


...And the hard place

by columbine_and_asphodel (onlycrooks)



Series: The Innocent Bystander [12]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Pre-Slash, Tagging Rachel is difficult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-14
Updated: 2012-11-14
Packaged: 2017-11-18 14:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/562301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlycrooks/pseuds/columbine_and_asphodel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prescription pain killers don't always knock you on your ass. For him, they're like sugar pills, placebos without the effect.</p><p>Or: Danny wakes up to have a chat with an unhappy Rachel, Steve has no control over his facial expressions and Danny deals with pain the practical way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	...And the hard place

**Author's Note:**

> Gahh. I have no idea if anyone's still reading this, but if you are, I'm back! I kept having to re-write this, because Danny's POV kills me. Trying to tame the rampant "young lady New Yorker" vibes so they turn into "fully grown man New Jerseyite" thoughts isn't exactly a task at which I excel (hence mainly Steve fics).
> 
> Anyway, I just felt I should point out that, while writing this, I went back and edited some of the previous parts. There aren't any significant changes to the plot, though- mostly a slight change in style.
> 
> For any reading them, YRM and One of these days have _not_ been abandoned. I promise I'm working on them, too. Along with my 20 or so other projects. They will probably continue to be a bit dusty until I've finished this, though, because I can't keep dealing with multiple WiPs. I'm not designed for it.
> 
> And now my A/N is longer than this fic. Eep!

Danny's supposed to be asleep, surrounded by a blanket of pain killers, or at least shock, but that's the problem, really. He's nearly completely resistant to opiates and opiods, the standard drugs hospitals and doctors prescribe. None of them work, not the way they should.

Instead of knocking him on his ass, literally and figuratively, they work like extra-strength ibuprofen. He hurts less, but he's still well-aware of whatever injury he's fighting.

Now in his forties, Danny's body doesn't handle the pain as well as it used to. He tries to lose himself in the beating of the heart monitor and the rush of his own heartbeat, to let the rhythm of his lungs filling lull him to sleep, but the miniature heartbeats in the wounds across his body demand attention like so many little children begging for a parent to hear about their day.

The rustling of cloth nearby distracts him, and for some reason, he isn't surprised by who's sitting beside him.

"I know you're awake, Daniel."

His mouth is too dry for him to reply, but he's strong enough to open his eyes and loll his head so he can give his companion a dry look.

As ever, Rachel is unimpressed.

"I thought you were done with this," she continues, looking away from him. "When we had Grace, you told me you weren't going to do this anymore, yet I found out from her that you'd been in contact with that woman long before now."

Danny opens his mouth to interrupt, or at least make some sort of noise to distract her, but Rachel turns to glower at him and talks over any noise he might be foolish enough to make. She does produce a small, plastic cup, though, and with a gentleness he hasn't felt from her in years, carefully presses one against his lips.

"She's no good. I know you said you couldn't have solved so many cases if you hadn't had the kind of muscle she has, but you can't believe it's worth it. Yes, the victims deserve justice and the families their answers, but at what cost? More victims? Grace was supposed to have given you the resolve to resist her, Daniel. You don't have to do these things."

_An act against my will is not my act._

Rachel is silent as she passes him another chip, her finger slipping this one past his lips.

"She reminds you of your family, doesn't she? She speaks German, has an accent like your mother's and intelligence to match, probably tries to love you like Matthew and the others. But she isn't your family, Daniel. She's someone who conned you into helping her and continues to do so. And you let her, because you won't accept that you've done your share."

Rachel's fingers tremble as the next chip hits Danny's mouth too forcefully, but he can't tell if she's too angry to care, or too upset to notice.

"I just don't understand it, why you feel you must work yourself up like this. You aren't alone, far from it. You and I didn't make it, but Grace, you love her, Danny. You loved her enough to stop when she was born; you should love her enough now to stay away.

"And it isn't just our daughter. Those people, the taskforce, they care about you as well. I've gotten to know them as we've sat here, waiting for you to wake up. That man, Chin Ho Kelly, he respects you more than most of the officers in New Jersey, and he worries about your health, too. Which hardly any of them, save Grace, did. And his cousin, the surfer? Kono, isn't her name? Daniel, she was weeping for nearly an hour when she first came in. Do you know what the first thing she did was?"

Danny felt an unexpected pressure on his hand and blinked at his ex-wife, catching the shine in her eyes and tell-tale signs she was fighting the urge to shout.

"She took your hand and wouldn't let go until your Commander came back in. Don't you look away from me, Daniel Williams. That man is as torn apart as your body, possibly more so. He and his wife- Catherine, wasn't it?- divorced not long ago- nearly yesterday in his mind, if he is anything like you. Which he is. You're both just too hard-headed to realize.

"That isn't the point, however. What I'm trying to tell you is that if weren't for that man and his worry for your well-being, you would not be alive right now. You cannot think that woman's people are good enough to keep you safe. You cannot believe they're bothered whether you live or die beyond your testimony."

When she doesn't speak again, her hand still passing him smaller and wetter pieces of ice, Danny realizes she's finished. It's the shortest rebuke she's ever given him; when upset, she talks more than he does. It's almost enough to throw him off balance, but Danny's spent a lot of time watching things he'd thought were stable be tossed about.

He does have to admit she's right, though, about his team caring about him. He'd never doubted Chin or Kono- and had never counted Cath as part of the team, if only because they'd never worked together (and he can be catty, but he doesn't have to acknowledge that). Even Steve, with his childish tendencies and unrestrained vigor, hadn't intended to hurt him, not really. But that isn't an excuse. The man's an adult and has been for a long time. He knows Danny and should have known not to cross that kind of line.

"Why'd you take her, then?" Danny asks, the mess of Steve and Five-0 left for another time. "First to Hawaii, threatened to cut my time with her more than once after I'd gotten settled, then almost to Las Vegas and over last few years, you haven't done much to keep us together."

"Because I thought you'd outgrown this!" Rachel hisses. "I thought Anja was your past and would _stay there._ You're a grown man, Danny, and you've been taking care of yourself for years. I'd known your work with Five-0 was important to you, but... I forget sometimes, how much you invest yourself in things, in people. You think highly of us, too highly usually, and struggle when we disappoint you. I know how your temper flares when you realize you were wrong, and I know it burns hotter because you're upset we weren't as perfect as you'd wanted."

He can feel her eyes on him, even as his own fall shut. He's old and tired, and his chest is covered with wounds. Their conversation is too close to what he's been covering and carefully not understanding for comfort, and discussions with Rachel always wear him out. The waves of warmth that signal imminent sleep are more than welcome.

"And I love Grace, too, Danny." Rachel's voice is distant, indistinct. It reminds him of nights before Grace and Hawaii, before a group of crazies adopted him and one of the Navy's finest made himself at home in Danny's skin. "I may not love like you love, not so loudly and brightly, but I love her all the same..."

* * *

He's far from surprised when the first thing he sees when he wakes up again is Steve's face- Steve's older, wrinkled, open face so full of concern Danny doubts the man knows how worried he looks.

Then there's his Monkey, nestled on Steve's lap and sleeping with her head on his shoulder the same way she does when she's sad and doesn't want to talk about why but doesn't want to be alone. As she lies there, snuggled happily against Steve, though, Danny can see past the tear tracks on her face (What kind of father is he to make his little girl cry?) and knows she's smiling because she knows, just as Danny knows- has always known, if sometimes tucked behind his rage- Steve will take care of her.

He's tired, though, too tired to keep his eyes open. His vision is already half black, but he struggles a moment, just long enough to be sure it's real. His dreams are vivid like memories, and he wonders, sometimes, if he isn't actually remembering, if he hadn't buried his daughter because his old partner had grown tired of him, if Steve's awards from serving aren't locked in a box beneath the pull-out couch because Mary hadn't wanted them and dead people don't need stars and hearts, if maybe the water had made its way into Kono's lungs or some kid on acid hadn't accidentally shot Chin, if Danny himself has traded up: poor apartment for a house by the beach with too many memories and a man who makes protein shakes that stink up the entire house...

Danny's quiet contemplation is disturbed by the door opening and a nurse popping her head in.

"Mr. Williams? My name is Himawari. I'm the nurse assigned to you," she greets him, stepping into the room with her arms full of what Danny is sure are dressing changes, and no, he does not want to be awake when she does it. He's had a few dressing changes before, and no matter how gentle and practiced the nurse is, having skin and hair ripped off is never a pleasant feeling. Then there's the humiliation of seeing how much the patches of smooth skin stand out against his hairy body, too- because Danny's an adult, and adult homo sapiens have hair on their chests, all right?- a gift from his father's side of the family Matty had somehow escaped.

He answers the questions he's asked with little difficulty and notices the confused set of his nurse's face when she discovers he has none of the typical difficulties people who've been given heavy pain medications have. He'll talk to her later, though, when he doesn't have an audience, which may or may not be asleep.

"I'm happy to see that you're awake and alert, but I do have to change your bandages, Mr. Williams," Himawari concludes, smiling sympathetically at his wince.

"Danny," he replies firmly. If she's going to be ripping and burning, they may as well be on a first name basis.

As she walks over, Danny remembers Steve and Grace and casts a quick glance at them. The latter is still peacefully asleep, tucked into Steve's lap, but, to Danny's great unsurprise, Steve's perked up and has the beginnings of Aneurysm Face. He keeps giving the nurse- Himawari, Danny reminds himself, because it's pretty name and if he were younger maybe he would've been able to get a date out of this, not that he'd be any good at it and she'd get tired quickly, but he could give it a o- dark looks, which is odd even for Steve-

Steve?

Danny suddenly realizes that _Steve_ is with him, Steve who broke into the hotel and caught Danny with Kevin, Steve who married Cath and made Danny choose between Five-0 and his conscience, who blows things up and kicks doors in, who _absolutely should not know_ about Danny being in the hospital. After leaving the taskforce, Danny had updated his records and made sure no one in Five-0 was on the list of people to be informed of any changes in his health, so there is absolutely no reason for Steve to-

Oh. Rachel. That conversation hadn't been a dream, then. Fantastic.

Recognizing the signs of losing his temper, which would be ridiculous when he's indisposed and doesn't actually want to get angry- he'll analyze that later- he nods to Himawari.

"Ah, I'm sorry," she says, hesitant, "but are you sure you'd like the Commander and your daughter to be here for this? It's really not as sanitary as I'd like..."

Danny takes advantage of the opportunity she's just wrapped in discount Happy Birthday wrapping paper and placed in his lap for him to rip apart and throw in Steve's face, because sanitary space means general space, and turns his head to watch Steve leave.

Whatever expression he'd been expecting to find, that's not what Steve's face is wearing. He looks ready to get on his knees and beg to be allowed to stay, even as he tightens his grip on Grace, and there's really nothing Danny can say to that. However much he's resented Steve and cursed him for being so stupid with Cath, the crazy Neanderthal still has that stupid place in Danny's life quite clearly marked, " _ **McGarrett, Steven. High Priority/Handle with Necessary Care.**_ " However much he'd love a repeat of the Doran aftermath and the satisfaction of decking the guy, Steve and his feelings of abandonment and inadequacy at being pushed away by people make Danny shakes his head.

"No... they can stay... if that's all right?" Danny hates himself a little bit for giving in, but the disbelief and confusion on Steve's face make it worthwhile.

Himawari frowns for a moment, assessing the potential damage- she has no idea, but Danny's not in the mood to backtrack- then nods.

"If that's what you would like," she asks dubiously, probably second-guessing Danny's mental status.

He understands where she's coming from, not wanting to lose your job over details or accidentally harming someone, so Danny doesn't argue or give her grief, just nods.

"All right, then, Mr. Williams," he absolutely notices the switch back to his surname and narrows his eyes accordingly. "I... Your wounds are extensive, and even though they aren't life-threatening in quality, the amount of your body they cover is worrisome. And some of them-... Well, a few are-... The more serious are in intimate places," Himawari finishes, blushing slightly. It's pretty and endearing, and Danny would love to learn more of her reactions, but he can feel Captain- he'll play with Steve's rank if he so desires- Cargo Pants watching him closely, too much so for comfort.

"So long as the Commander promises to cover my daughter's eyes if she wakes up, it'll be fine. I'm sure there's nothing here worse than what he's already seen." Danny regrets the last part as soon as he says it. He'd meant the probably nudity, but it had come out more like a taunt, a reminder of Steve's Navy days rather than a peeping tom joke. Danny knows Steve still has nightmares about the things he's seen, and he knows they're a source of shame for him. It had taken a lot of alcohol and fair number of Danny's own secrets to get the truth of why Steve wasn't sleeping from the man. He can remember the concern on Steve's face and in his voice when Danny had stumbled outside after getting poisoned, the Sarin making his body forget to breathe right. Whatever their relationship is now, if they have one, there's still the past and the knowledge Steve's seen too many people he loves- of whom Danny is one, has never doubted- get hurt.

Concerned despite the part of him that still won't let him forget the cruel, senseless things Steve has done, Danny turns back to him.

Oddly, Steve doesn't look upset at all. He looks as if he's got something important to say but, for some reason, can't. It's a look Danny had seen on his face countless times in the past, usually when Danny had been talking at him. Or Steve's just uncomfortable. The expressions are easy to confuse.

"Would you rather leave, Steven?" Danny asks, but Steve immediately shakes his head.

"No, I'll stay," he says quietly.

Danny doesn't have to think about how to respond to that or what the look on Steve's face really means because Himawari, who'd been organizing the supplies, is ready to begin, and Danny just wants this over.

Steve shifts in his seat slightly as the nurse fiddles with the damn gown, but he plasters his gaze on the girl in his lap. It's a small comfort, Steve not seeing the damage because he's watching for any sign of Grace waking up, but Danny's a fan of little things.

Figuring there's nothing more he actually wants to see, Danny shuts his eyes. He isn't eager for the coming pain, but he's prepared for it. Nevertheless, he groans as he shifts too far forward and lands on his chest, immediately reminded of the damage on his chest.

"Sorry!" Himawari rushes to say, obviously concerned, her voice not quite drowning out a low grumble from the other side of the bed.

"No, no, it's fine," Danny assures them, absolutely not breathlessly. "Just... let's get this over."

The woman nods and sets her lips in a grim line.

"Of course."

* * *

He doesn't cry out, unwilling to risk further pain because he's distracted her, but his arms start shaking as tears fill his eyes. He keeps them shut, clenched as tightly as he can, as he feels her inspect the damage done to his backside. He knows that what he's feeling are _her_ fingers pressing on his burning flesh, that she's doing it because she must and with as much gentleness as she can.

It would be easier if knowledge were its own type of pain killer, but if anything, Danny's found that knowing hurts more than ignorance. He'll take bliss over harsh light of truth any day.

He might have made it through the entire process if it weren't for certain sensitive areas getting the kind of attention even his nightmares have been kind enough not to drag up. His luck's been hard-pressed lately, though, so he isn't surprised that, after something particularly private starts stinging, his vision goes black.

What does surprise him is that when he throws a look at the chair to be certain his baby girl hasn't woken up, he finds Steve looking straight at him, one of those god-awful looks on his face, the ones that remind Danny that Steve is damaged goods, that he'd listened, helpless, as someone he'd loved died.

And shit if Danny's last thought before he passes out isn't that Steve's probably remembering exactly that.

**Author's Note:**

> Quotation ("An act against my will is not my act") by Anonymous


End file.
